The Smart Girl’s Guide to the Office – Part 2: After the Firing

Hello again, everyone. Welcome. Pull up a chair. This week we’ll tackle the difficult subject of firings. Sure, it’s hard for you, Ms. or Mr. Management, giving an employee the kibbosh because you’re sick of seeing his or her ugly mug every morning. It’s hard because you, Ms. or Mr. Management, put in difficult hours stifling his or her creativity and bending him or her to your will, only to have to fire him or her in the end. Sadly, the difficulties you face do not end once you’ve had the poor shmuck clean off his or her desk and remove his or her coffee cup from the building. You will also have to face the difficulties of explaining this one employee’s absence to the rest of the crew. Here are a few helpful hints:

1. Lie your ass off. I suggest alien abduction, death and dismemberment, or prison sentences for sexual deviancy. When your employees discover the truth (that you fired this guy or girl’s ass over something mundane like job performance or a personality conflict, or for no stated reason at all) they won’t call you on it, so don’t worry. Remember, you’re the boss, and everyone expects you to lie about most things. If you don’t lie about this, you will be letting everyone down.

2. Offer vague explanations. If you’re not comfortable with lying about the reasons an employee is no longer employed, then just make up some vague explanation and leave it at that. “Yesterday was his (or her) last day,” you can say. If they ask why, just answer again. “Yesterday was just his (or her) last day.” You aren’t telling the truth, but you’re not telling a lie either, because if you did just fire the ass this morning, yesterday really WAS his or her last day.

3. Ignore it entirely. Don’t make an official announcement or talk to anyone about the missing employee. You can always count on employee-to-employee rumors to be totally and completely accurate, so there’s no need to make anything official. Hell, nobody will even notice if an employee just suddenly doesn’t show up for awhile. Just pat yourself on the back for firing somebody and leave it alone.

4. Do not do any of the above, you gullible freak. If you do things like lie, be vague, or ignore the situation, everyone in your office will be upset. It makes everyone uncomfortable when somebody just suddenly leaves without an explanation. Handle it with diplomacy, but be sure you handle it officially. Don’t be a coward, let people know! You don’t have to tell everyone the bitter truth, but you do have to address it in a professional, diplomatic fashion.

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