Summer in the City

As the temperature in Phoenix hikes up to 116, the government and weather services have issued? a heat advisory.

Commentary: As the temperature in Phoenix hikes up to 116, WE DON’T NEED ANY FUCKING HEAT ADVISORIES. I have a sore spot on my hip where I BURNED myself on the middle console in the car today.

Five Advisories that WOULD Be Useful in Phoenix:

1. No Free Tables Advisory: Your favorite restaurant would be a great place to spend the evening, but there are no tables available and won’t be for a long time. Go somewhere else.

2. Don’t Leave the House Advisory: There are a frillion accidents on the road right now. The freeways are more stacked than Pamela Anderson. Call in sick.

3. Faux Monsoon Advisory: Although there are clouds in the sky and the local newspeople are touting oncoming rain, you won’t get any in your area, so don’t get excited or anything. You won’t see shit.

4. Dumber Than Owlshit Advisory: Atmospheric conditions have contrived to make your boss even dumber than usual. Call in sick.

5. Don’t Answer the Phone Advisory: Atmospheric conditions have contrived to encourage telemarketers to call in greater numbers. Unplug your phones during dinner and “Lost.”


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