Things I Don’t Understand

1. The need to take your cellphone everywhere. And I mean, EVERYWHERE. Does it need to come with you to the restroom? Can’t you call the person back a little later??

2. The need to put stupid things on your car. I understand the occasional sticker of your favorite punk band, or a sports team logo, or even the whole “My Honors Student Beat Up the Principal at Jones Elementary School”-type sticker. Granted, I do have a personalized plate, but really, I don’t stick things on my car advertising that I’m an “Angel” or “Princess” or “Sassy Chick.” Anyone who proclaims herself a princess or angel should be avoided like the damn plague. Then there are those obnoxious Calvin and Hobbes stickers where Hobbes is pissing on something, like, “Ford” or “Ex-Wives” or “Terrorism.” (As if one would really need to express a distaste for terrorism?) I don’t quite understand how you wake up one day and decide that yes, this is the day! You must have a cartoon character pissing on something on your car! It must happen! You must express your views in this incredibly crass and adolescent manner! Wha?

3. The continued insistance of the US (yes, it’s all the United States, there is no “coalition” of nations, c’mon) to push a democracy on a country that does not want one. There is no tradition of democracy in the Middle East. There are no democracies in the Middle East. Why do we assume it will work in Iraq? Oh, right, it’s the Bush administration. Logic has nothing to do with it.

4. Those “I Support Our Troops” magnet ribbons on cars. (I spend a lot of time commuting back and forth from work, as you can tell.) There’s no logic behind this one, either. You don’t need a Wal-Mart magnet to tell everyone that you support the troops. Everyone supports our troops, no matter what you feel about the war. A magnet doesn’t make you a bigger patriot, it just means you wasted two bucks at the store.

5. Bratz toys. Creepier than shit, I tell you.

6. Dressing up pets. I don’t mean a bandana or a leash, I mean sweaters, tiaras, wigs, sweatshirts…

7. How my boss can take so much time off.

8. Why I can’t take off as much time as my boss.

9. ASU’s continuing war on parking places. The U has obliterated a ton of them. Those of us who commute are up the creek without that fracking paddle, I guess.

10. Why no US broadcaster has been set for the new Doctor Who series. BBC, please share your toys! Pretty please with sugar and jelly babies on top?


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