SMOOOOOOOOOOOSH

April 30th, 2007

Bad mood. Terribly bad mood.

I have been in the most rotten of moods today. I think it has something to do with a lack of sleep and a return to work after three days of doing nothing.

It’s also a big problem that I really hate my job. Today I’m getting bugged into making a frazillion changes to an e-newsletter of mine to make the underwriting department happy and I’ve been assigned the task of planning activities at the Homecoming parade in October.

Um. Huh? Where did this come from?

Oh, and there’s still a bunch of people who don’t have their tickets to an event on Wednesday, so there’s a lot of e-mail and phone spammage.

Argh…

Fabulousity

April 22nd, 2007

The house now has walls. Outside walls, rather. And those walls are covered in chicken wire, which I guess is meant to keep the stucco in place. In other words, it’s looking like a house, which means we’re getting closer to close, which means more stress. Urk.

“Hot Fuzz”: Fantastic movie. FANTASTIC. It’s really the best film I’ve seen in a very long time, and I really enjoyed myself. It’s a wonderful pastiche of action/cop films and just one terrific idea after another. All I have to say to you is, “SWAN!!!”

I caught a bit of plagiarism in the local paper. It was in a bar review, but still, that’s pretty crappy. People get kicked out of school for that kind of thing. I wrote the paper an e-mail telling them about it. I guess we’ll see how that goes over.

I hate group projects. I think the people in my group hate working with me, too. See, the night I went and played hooky was the night the class divided up into groups. Since I wasn’t there I had to scramble and ask to join a group. (Thankfully I didn’t have to come out and ASK because the nice lady asked me first if I had a group, and when I said no, she adopted me into hers. Bless her heart. I think.) We’re working on a subject I know nothing about. We’re meeting today and I still need to think up a treat to take. Cookies, maybe? Hmm. Anyway, yeah, group projects are hell. I don’t like the people I’m working with and I hate the subject and… bleck.

Still looking for a job. I’ve gotten two calls from resumes I sent, and I had one phone interview. I hope something comes of this. The more I stay at work the more I want to get away. 🙁

Um.

April 19th, 2007

Why is everyone suddenly “bringing sexy back?” I didn’t even notice it was missing. Where did sexy go, anyway?

Class Acts

April 12th, 2007

1. Imus calling female basketball players “hos.” They might be hos, but your ass is fired for being a sexist, racist, misogynist butthead, while they look like well-mannered, classy chicks. They go on Oprah and you go on unemployment. I guess you did get what was comin’ to ya. You even got Al Roker to say you should be shitcanned, and that ought to say something.
2. Anna Nicole Smith’s sister has published Train Wreck, the behind-the-scenes story of the former model and Playboy bunny. I hereby grant my sister the right to write a trashy book about me someday, so long as it has a cool title, like, My Mortgage Payment or Dumbfuck. It’s nice to know that tragedy can be turned into profit.
3. A former temp in our offices who conducted a 50-minute phone interview for another job on a work phone during work hours. I blame brain mites for this one, folks.
4. Ann Coulter. I don’t have a particular event in mind, I just happen to know she’s an ass.

5. The idiot producer of Katie Couric’s faux blog that plagiarized the hell out of someone else’s work for an essay on libraries. I guess we can include Katie Couric, too, for allowing someone else to write her stuff and post it under her name. Yeah, she’s busy being a terrible news anchor, I know. It’s a full-time job being inept for some people.

6. My boss for admitting that another employee doesn’t know how to do her job. She did this in front of me, a co-worker. That shit ain’t kosher, even if it happens to be true. She also did this in front of a new volunteer. Mustn’t she feel great about volunteering her precious time to work for a bunch of idjuts?

It’s a Grind in Gilbert

April 8th, 2007

I just stopped by It’s a Grind in Gilbert to get an iced white mocha. What I got was hot, expensive, and incredibly sweet coffee goo. Ick.

By the way, Happy Easter! As an exceptional unreligious person, it doesn’t mean anything more to me than ham for dinner and fluffy bunnies, but float your own boat. We all know it’s a pagan spring celebration and an excuse to buy more Peeps pens.

That Boat Done Sailed, Dick!

April 6th, 2007

Even though a new Pentagon report says there’s no link, Cheney was on the Rush Limbaugh show saying there’s a definite link between al Qaida and Saddam Hussein. Here’s an article for ya.

Cheney goes on to say that there isn’t any global warming, unicorns are real, and the Easter Bunny speaks to him in his sleep.

The Smart Girl’s Guide to the Office – Part 2: After the Firing

April 5th, 2007

Hello again, everyone. Welcome. Pull up a chair. This week we’ll tackle the difficult subject of firings. Sure, it’s hard for you, Ms. or Mr. Management, giving an employee the kibbosh because you’re sick of seeing his or her ugly mug every morning. It’s hard because you, Ms. or Mr. Management, put in difficult hours stifling his or her creativity and bending him or her to your will, only to have to fire him or her in the end. Sadly, the difficulties you face do not end once you’ve had the poor shmuck clean off his or her desk and remove his or her coffee cup from the building. You will also have to face the difficulties of explaining this one employee’s absence to the rest of the crew. Here are a few helpful hints:

1. Lie your ass off. I suggest alien abduction, death and dismemberment, or prison sentences for sexual deviancy. When your employees discover the truth (that you fired this guy or girl’s ass over something mundane like job performance or a personality conflict, or for no stated reason at all) they won’t call you on it, so don’t worry. Remember, you’re the boss, and everyone expects you to lie about most things. If you don’t lie about this, you will be letting everyone down.

2. Offer vague explanations. If you’re not comfortable with lying about the reasons an employee is no longer employed, then just make up some vague explanation and leave it at that. “Yesterday was his (or her) last day,” you can say. If they ask why, just answer again. “Yesterday was just his (or her) last day.” You aren’t telling the truth, but you’re not telling a lie either, because if you did just fire the ass this morning, yesterday really WAS his or her last day.

3. Ignore it entirely. Don’t make an official announcement or talk to anyone about the missing employee. You can always count on employee-to-employee rumors to be totally and completely accurate, so there’s no need to make anything official. Hell, nobody will even notice if an employee just suddenly doesn’t show up for awhile. Just pat yourself on the back for firing somebody and leave it alone.

4. Do not do any of the above, you gullible freak. If you do things like lie, be vague, or ignore the situation, everyone in your office will be upset. It makes everyone uncomfortable when somebody just suddenly leaves without an explanation. Handle it with diplomacy, but be sure you handle it officially. Don’t be a coward, let people know! You don’t have to tell everyone the bitter truth, but you do have to address it in a professional, diplomatic fashion.

Opening Day

April 2nd, 2007

Happy MLB Opening Day, y’all. It’s been a long, dry stretch since October, but we’re finally there!

Diamondbacks (in their new “Sedona red” uniforms, which were changed this season so people would have to buy new accoutrements to be a D-backs fan) play the Rockies today, and I believe Pittsburgh goes against Houston.

Interesting Prediction Of the Day: SI reporter Peter King (whose Monday Morning Quarterback is a must-read for me) predicts it’ll be Detroit over Arizona in 6 games. Really, Peter? I can see Detroit being that good this year, but the D-backs? Huh. I’ve missed something, obviously.

Speaking of openings, the third season of “Doctor Who” began on Saturday. It was fantastic. ‘Nuff said.

The Smart Girl’s Guide to the Office – Part 1: Talking Shit About People

March 29th, 2007

Hello, gentle readers. I would like all of you to learn from my experiences here in the office. Call it a public service gesture, if you will.

Lesson #1: Talking Shit About People

In workplaces all over the world, there are people that talk about other people. Co-workers either trash each other behind their backs, over email, in private meetings, over the water cooler, at the vending machine, or in hushed whispers in the hallway between offices. No matter where you talk shit about people, please be aware of a few Smart Girl Rules of Talking Shit About People:

1. When slinging shit, be sure there isn’t any on YOUR shoes. If you’re complaining that Miss X in the next office doesn’t come in at 8 AM every morning, you’d best be sure you haven’t been breaking that rule yourself. The shit will bounce off the wall and smack you in the face if you’re as guilty as Miss X. If you’re complaining about someone doing something that you do yourself, shut your mouth and go back to work. You will be more respected for it. (This seems like a common sense kind of rule, but it really isn’t. My co-worker this morning was bitching about people being late and taking days off, and she’s one of the most regular offenders.)

2. Choose your audience carefully. There are many pitfalls to consider when talkin’ smack in the office, and the biggest one is who is listening in on your rants. There are some people who will simply nod and make murmers of agreement, and that’s fine. There are others that will march into the next office and tell Miss X that you’ve been running your mouth about her, which could end poorly for you. There are still others who are connected to the hilt and everything you say will and can be repeated all over the world, which could possibly come back to bite you in the ass when Miss X hears from Miss K that you’ve been running your yap. Further, someone could overhear your ranting, which is probably not such a good idea. It’s best to rant in a safe, secure location, or be entirely certain that the person within earshot won’t tattle on your smack-talkin’ self. (Again, this should be a common sense sort of thing, right? Wrong. My co-worker was talking the shit about someone I’ve befriended here in the office. Like I want to sit here and listen to her bitch about him over the phone? Duh? I’m sitting RIGHT THERE behind her and can hear every damn word!)

3. Consider the reasons behind the complaint before you put it to paper or email. This is a rather important step. An email filled with evil intent will not go unnoticed. If you email Miss X and copy the entire office, including your boss, the email better be as pleasant as pie, otherwise you will look like a totally bitter bitch who is out to start somethin’. If you are out to simply get someone in trouble, it will be clear. If you are just trying to solve a problem, there is a way of writing the email so that goal is obtained without any toe-smooshing or hair-pulling. Remember this: nobody likes a snitch, not even you. How would you feel if someone broadcasted YOUR mistake to the entire office and God Almighty Himself with the intent of getting you sacked? Not good, right? Do you think you’d want to work with that person ever again, despite the rules of your position? (Again, my co-worker presented a brilliant example of this rule this morning. She looks like Bitter, Bitter Betty and hasn’t really gained anything from it.)

4. Leave other people out of it as much as you can. There seems to be this need to unburden yourself on others at work when you’ve had a hard day or your boss is bugging you. However, you should try to contain it as much as possible. This isn’t always easy to do, but it is advisable. See above explanations as to why. The fact is, no matter what the complaint is, professionalism requires that you work civilly with other people, and it’s hard to do that when you suspect someone’s a total louse and tattle-tail. Gaining someone’s trust by sharing secrets is nice, but if you have a reputation for spreading information around like a rabid computer virus, your relationships will suffer. Don’t talk shit or spread other people’s shit if you’re not sure how it will affect you.

5. Personal relationships at work DO MATTER, and probably more than you think. Stuff gets done when people like each other. You do favors for people you’re loyal to. People who are loyal to you do stuff for you. It’s a circle of life kind of thing that you can’t ignore. You don’t have to go camping with the co-workers every weekend or bring in doughnuts every Friday, but a little sweetness and light will carry you farther than the tar-and-feathers routine. (Being nice to mean, lazy people sucks, no question, but try it. As one professor pointed out, relationships are built on one conversation after another, good or otherwise. Do you want the person whose job affects yours to completely hate you? Think about it.)

The Moral High Ground is a steep climb. We can claim it upon occasion, but it’s best to pick and choose your moments. We have the freedom of speech, but we do not have the ability to control how what we say will be viewed by other people. Unburdening your troubles on a co-worker can be a huge relief, but you should be careful about how and when you do it. Don’t put thoughts to paper or email that will forever peg you as a tattle-tail or bitter bitch without thinking it through first.

And thus ends the first lesson. Drive safely.

Shazam!

March 27th, 2007

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